08 vs 09

This time last year, I was suffering from the worst bout of depression. I had an awful job, was dealing with a ton of unnecessary family drama (I’ll admit, most of it I created in my mind), was upset about turning 29, suffered from seasonal affective disorder and just couldn’t shake this feeling that my life was going nowhere. I couldn’t even enjoy the holidays. When I finally started seeing things clearly again, I promised myself that no matter what, I would not feel the same way again this year. There was no way I’d turn 30 with that state of mind. I remember telling myself, “I will slit my wrist if I am this depressed this time next year”.

I don’t know what happened this year to make me feel different than last, but I’m thankful for it. Maybe being laid off so many times caused me to develop thicker skin. Maybe going on an emotional roller coaster with a certain guy for half the year caused me to just stop caring. Or maybe two blue eyed nuggets (see below) have made it impossible for me to be anything but happy.

I have claimed the title of favorite aunt.

The issues I had a year ago with my family are more or less resolved. Things aren’t completely worked out with my mom, but I’m learning to care less about what she thinks.

My drinking has been scaled WAY WAY WAY back, and it actually concerns me because my ability to hang is diminished. Don’t applaud my efforts or anything. I don’t like it one bit. I was told by preggo Jools that I have to figure out what the deal is by the time her baby is born because she wants to be able to go out and party again. (I LOVE HER)

I’m officially going to be a student again come January. This is the one thing that keeps me awake at night. It’s scary starting school again. What if I get lost on my way to class? What if I’m in a class full of freshmen and I’m that old person? What if there’s some cute guy in my class but it turns out he’s 18??? I don’t want to be known as any sort of feline.

But who am I to talk? My dating practices haven’t been exactly kosher lately; I’ve been making some questionable (but oh-so-fun) decisions lately with a certain…asshole.

My new home is freaking awesome. Since I couldn’t move out of state, this was the next best thing. I LOVE IT.

My bedroom. It even has a fireplace and room for a stripper dance pole.

I have one really awesome roommate and one, well, dumbass roommate. No really, he put dish soap in the dishwasher which resulted in our kitchen being covered in foam. He was home one day (while my other roommate and I were at work) and realized our hot water wasn’t working but didn’t do anything about it. He FORGOT.  He’s in law school but told someone on the phone that he didn’t want to be a lawyer. We had a Halloween party at our house a few weeks ago and, after all the guests had arrived, he asked where he could get a costume from. I could go on…

So that’s my life right now. I’m forcing myself to wait one more week before I turn the house into a winter wonderland. And I finally figured out what I’m doing for my birthday, the big 3-0 (pub crawl in wigs and party dresses).

I also got an email last week about upcoming tryouts for the roller derby. I didn’t tryout in September like planned because I never found time to practice. Now? I’ve got plenty of time. Bring.it.on.

Maybe it’s true what they say: with age comes wisdom. Or perhaps reminding myself of how depressed I was last year has made me rethink things. Whatever it was, I’m thankful. The winter is looking brighter than ever.

Obsessed Much?

Today I had the unenjoyable task of putting all of my halloween costumes back in storage. And when I say storage, I mean crammed back into the Space Bag and shoved under my bed. While putting them away, I counted…

 

I have 14 costumes. 10 have been purchased in the past 13 months. The day I finally decide to become a stripper, I’ll have plenty of wardrobe options to choose from.

Hobo Advice

This evening, I visited my local CVS for some much needed cough medicine.   Outside the store, stood a hobo who held the door for me and asked if I had any spare change for a veternarian. And then asked if I liked animals.

When I exited the store, he again held the door for me, even though I previously told him I had no spare change. As I walked away, he shouted to me, “Be a good girl and avoid fast men.”

 

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Halloween x 4

I love Halloween, and this year I had not one, not two, not three, but FOUR opportunities to dress up. Naturally, I took pictures and share them with you now.

The first costume was last minute for a parade. I threw on some ugly clothes, sprayed myself with fake blood and went as a fashion victim.

 

I went as Malice in Wonderland at the party I hosted. Can I tell you how difficult it is to find a rabbit stuffed animal in October? Luckily, Goodwill had a few to choose from.

 

In order to not offend my church-going friends, I opted for a slightly more conservative 60’s Mod Girl costume for a party on Friday night. It at least covered my butt. I actually didn’t take a picture of my entire costume and the rain completely ruined the bob I was sporting, but you get the gist.

 

On Halloween night, I went as Amanda Grope, USDA Meat Inspector. I had rulers of various sizes and a clipboard with meat inspection reports. Underneath my costume was a corset that, had I been intoxicated (Shocker! I had 3 drinks all night!), I would have started showing people. I originally came up with the idea 2 years ago and wanted to get all of my friends involved as Bull Wranglers, Sausage Tasters and Package Handlers but they backed out.

 

I hope everyone had a safe and enjoyable Halloween. It’s Nablopomo and I’m gonna try really hard to start writing every day. I just have to learn how to write again.

 

Checking In

I just found a post I wrote last year about turning 30 and things I hope to accomplish before then. I had completely forgotten about the list until just now, so lets see what I was hoping to accomplish (technically I still have 3 months to complete these goals).

1. Get out of debt. HAHAHAHA. That is not happening. I’ve been laid off 3 times in the past year, so naturally my finances been totally effed. And my last job was only part time so I wasn’t bringing much in to begin with.

2. Get fit and stay fit. It took 10 months but I’m finally starting to lose weight. Thanks to Jools and our afternoon workouts, I’m down 5 pounds since I got laid off.

3. Change my eating habits. Another success. It only took layoff number three for me to finally start eating better. I guess having time to make my lunch and actually cook dinner has paid off.

4. Remedy my current job situation. Done.

5. Have better routines. Still working on this one but I do try and give myself a checklist to complete for the day.

6. Go back to church. Eh. It’s a work in progress. I found a new church I want to check out on Sunday.

7. Drink less. Alert the media! I am actually drinking less these days!

8. Be tidier. Nothing to see here. Move along.

9. Move. Done. Although it wasn’t far away like I originally planned. My adorable nieces are preventing me from moving too far away.

10. Go back to school. Yep. Filled out my FAFSA stuff yesterday and beginning my studying for the GMAT. Hopefully I’ll be able to start in January.

If I only

*All of these are suggestions I’ve received from friends and family in the past month.*

If I only wanted a job where I knew I’d make ridiculous amounts of money, I’d do something with computers.

But I find that stuff incredibly boring and would burn out super fast.

If I only wanted something where I would be certain I’d have a job as soon as I graduated with an associates degree, I’d become a dental hygienist.

But that is just a disgusting job. Eww. Eww. Eww.

If I only wanted a job that required me to work from 7-3 and have summers off, I’d become a teacher’s aid, aka, a parapro.

Gee. A job that offers virtually no advancement, has REALLY shitty pay and is basically being the teacher’s bitch. Where do I sign up?

If I only wanted to sit on my ass all day and do nothing while being completely unsatisfied by my husband, I’d marry rich.

Yeah, that was actually a suggestion. Because as my friend so eloquently put it, I’d ‘probably have better luck marrying rich than finding a marketing job in this economy’.

So what’s up with these posts about jobs? Well, I got the shaft at work. Again. The sad thing is, I really liked my position (my boss was a moron though), and now I just don’t have the desire to get a job.

But more on that later.

Jobs I could never hold

Cashier for a grocery store

My termination would be a result of something like this:

“Um excuse me? This is an express lane you c -yes, I use this word to express my anger- unt. 10 items or less! 10 items or less, you bitch! Can’t you fucking read?” (since moving to the ghetto I’ve realized that people really don’t pay attention to the 10 items or less sign. They also drive the wrong way down a one way parking lot, but don’t get me started on that.)

Financial anything

“Five plus ten plus two plus five times ten minus two…wha?”

Dermatologist

While I did enjoy the results from Accutane when I was 15, I couldn’t fathom anyone being a dermatologist. And the one I had was a complete weirdo.

I never want to say the following: Let’s take a sample of this boil.

Sales

“Hi there. Have you heard about our company? We do this this this and this and here’s the bullshit reason why you need us!”

I don’t fake orgasms and I don’t fake an interest in a product.

Wedding Planner

“Really? Why go through with this when it’s obvious you’re gonna be divorced in two years?”

Sommelier

“Look, I don’t know shit about these grapes but this wine will get you buzzzzed.”

Bartender

“One for you, two for me. One for you, two for me.”

Here goes nothing.

Look! I’m attempting to blog! I have about a dozen half-written blog entries that I don’t feel like finishing. Such is my life these days.

This morning I woke up exhausted. One of my smoke alarms has started beeping at random hours of the night and the sound absolutely terrifies Dixie, and when she’s scared she likes to lay on top of me. It’s never the “Holy shit! Evacuate! Evacuate! Women and children first” noise, but the “Hi…Hi…It’s me. Your smoke alarm. Hi…Hi…” and is on the ceiling we can’t reach without a ladder, which we don’t have yet. So at 2AM (just like the night before!) I found Dixie on my head, and had trouble falling back asleep after that.  Now, I’m trying to tell myself that I don’t need to rest my eyes for five minutes even though there’s no one in the office right now besides me.  

This past weekend, I had my first true ghetto experience. Around 1AM on Saturday morning, I was trying to fall asleep and heard a knock at my side window. I froze and thought to myself, “Do burglars announce that they are about to rob people?” As I mentally planned my getaway, I heard walking outside and another knock at my front window followed by the sounds of a car door opening and closing and a car driving away.

I sat on my bed terrified while hugging Dixie and thanking her for barking at them. What if they were casing the place to rob it? What if they were going to come back that night? I then did what any sensible person would do — I barricaded myself in my room. My bed already blocked one window and I just slid my dresser in front of the other and waited for morning.

When I recounted the story to anyone who would listen, they all agreed that it probably wasn’t someone looking to break in. Why would they knock on the windows and park their car out front by the floodlight? Chances are it was just someone either a. being an asshole, b. wanting to fuck with me, or c. wanting to fuck with the girl who used to live here.

That night, one of  my roommates, the huge 80’s metal fan, invited me to see a Guns N’ Roses cover band with her and her friends up in the uber-suburbs. If you didn’t know this already, I was a die hard GNR fan growing up; I wanted to have Duff’s babies, and know all the words to all the songs, minus Chinese Democracy, because it just isn’t GNR without Duff and Slash. I decided to lift my whiskey ban* because there was absolutely no chance of being going home with any guy at the bar. So I started sucking them down like water. At one point in the night, a lovely southern gentleman decided to grind up on me. And kept it up the entire evening. I don’t think I said more than 5 things to him the entire night but he told my roommate that he ‘really liked me’.

As we were leaving, I got a text message asking how the show was — after all, I had announced it on Facebook — but I didn’t recognize the number. After some investigating, I figured out it was one of the douchebags from this post! And of course I told him where to shove it and never to contact me again played it casual like it was no big deal and that I’d love to hang out with him (as friends**) since he was not going to be traveling for work anymore and lived nearby.

I remembered my other reason for banning whiskey when I woke up the next morning and hated life. At one point as an adult, I had Whiskey=Death as my mantra based on the hangovers it always gave me, but seemed to have forgotten about it that night.

I spent the day in bed only getting up to unpack a random box or two (laying in bed all day is way too unproductive for me, so I have to do things to make myself feel like I’m not being totally lazy).

With any luck, I’ll have everything unpacked this weekend and can finally stop tripping over stuff.

Did I mention that my pole fits in my room??

 

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*I thought I blogged about the whiskey ban, but I guess not. I do stupid stuff under the influence of whiskey like fool around in the alley way behind my favorite bar or sleep with the best friend of the guy who allegedly has feelings for me. You know, fun stuff.

** (insert your own comment here)

Things learned quickly in the ghetto

• Keep your doors locked at all times.
• Don’t leave blinds open when you aren’t home or at night. You don’t want strangers seeing what you have.
• Take EVERYTHING out of your car at night.
• Stick to streets you are familiar with late at night. 1am is never a good time to try an alternate route.

Before my friends vow to never visit me again, I should explain that I feel safe in my house. I’ve met the neighbors and they’ve never had issues with crime. I live with 3 dogs. I’m not an idiot who sets myself up to become a victim. But the area immediately outside of my neighborhood (and surrounding areas) is technically the ghetto.  As seen here, here, and here.

Funny story. I actually had to drive down Boulevard last night to get home. I now know where to buy crack.