Beer good.

Jools (to bartender): I’d like a Jack and Diet please.
Me: Hey! What are you doing ordering my favorite drink? (naturally, no one else on the planet is allowed to drink my drink)
Bartender Dan: Do you want one as well?
Me: Um no. I’m sort of banned from Jack Daniels.
Bartender Dan: Really? Why? Do you do stupid stuff when you drink it?
Me: You could say that…
Jools: IT MAKES HER RANDY!

(a few minutes later)

Bartender Dan (to the guy sitting next to me): I think you should buy her a shot of Jack Daniels.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jools (who is from South Africa): Hey, what does douchebag mean exactly? Doesn’t it mean dork or something?
Me: No! It means something worse than asshole!
Jools: Oh shit! I just called the manager a douchebag!

Last night, Jools and I went to the Exotic Dancer National Championship. Highlights included:

• A woman putting on a puppet show between her legs. It was set to the song, ‘The Devil Went Down to Georgia’ and the puppet was the devil who played the ‘fiddle’.
• A fire breather who couldn’t even get the torches lit. Even after 5 tries.
• A chick sliding around on the wet floor. It was actually pretty entertaining.

It was pretty entertaining and made me miss my pole dancing classes. Afterward, we went out in East Atlanta Village, which will be the home of my new watering hole when I move. We had so much fun and made friends with bartenders, managers and even a cop. At one bar, most of our drinks were comped which was quite refreshing since a certain establishment doesn’t seem to care about their patrons very much.

When the night was over, we stopped at Krystals and devoured several mini cheeseburgers and chili cheese fries.

Today I woke up and realized I only spent $15 the entire night (including Krystals). I also woke up with another bottle of hot sauce in my purse.

That, my friend, is a whole other story.

Blondie BackstabHer

I always find ways to make my parents and friends proud, and my latest endeavor is sure to have my loved ones beaming with pride. While not as controversial as my previous endeavor,  it is bound to raise some eyebrows among those with moral compasses. Or something. Or not.

ROLLER DERBY!

I originally toyed with the idea of trying out for it back in the fall but thought you needed skating experience and, obviously, I have none. On Tuesday night, however, I went to a friend’s house to watch a movie and some of her friends who were there are actually Atlanta Rollergirls. They informed me that you didn’t need experience because everything will be taught to you. And of course I got totally giddy. Have you seen the outfits they wear? We know how I feel about dressing up. Mainly, I just like the striped socks. I’m not kidding either.

Naturally, the first thing I thought about was what my name should be. I had previously thought of a name, Hellen Wheels, but apparently there are rules regarding names and another girl in Tuscon has the name Helen Wheels, and I’d have to get permission, blah blah blah. Too much work if you ask me. So I went on teh interwebs to find a roller derby name generator and typed in my real name. Out popped Blondie BackstabHer. No really. Thinking it was a coincidence, I tried again using my first name only. Blondie Affliction. My first name actually generates the name Blondie. WEIRD. Its like it was meant to be!

Of course I’ll have to pass the try out before I can really start thinking of a name. Luckily for me, they aren’t until September, so I’ll have plenty of time to strap on some skates and get my butt in shape.

In completely random news, has anyone visited the site www.modcloth.com? It’s my new favorite place. I heart.

Your car smells like box.

Did you know you can buy boxes on Craigslist? Fundraiser knew that and purchased 40 packing boxes of various sizes and three spools of bubble wrap to use for her upcoming move.  And then left them in her car. And was completely oblivious to the fact that they smelled HORRIBLE. And made me ride around in her car with the skanky box smell.

What does that have to do with this post? Nothing. I just promised her I’d title a blog entry in honor of it.

So what’s new kiddos?

Let’s start with me. I’m starting my search for a new place to live (and a new roommate). There are three areas of Atlanta that I love, Decatur, Little 5 Points and East Atlanta, and all have a pretty eclectic/alternative vibe with awesome bars. It’s where all the people with tattoos live. And we all know that a guy can be as dumb as shit but I’d still want to fuck his brains out if he has a decent amount of artwork. That’s a fact. The rent is cheap in these areas too. The downside is that my commute to work will suck and there’s a little more crime, but hell, my car was broken into inside my gated apartment complex in one of the most pretentious neighborhoods in Atlanta. I’ll buy a bat.  And a gun.

What else?

No really. What else do I have to talk about?

Shit. Well, this post went downhill really fast. I guess I got nothing.

Rut.

Sigh.

I’m bored.

I rallied the troops last night and went to Cheers for Cinco de Mayo (don’t ask why I went to an Irish bar on a Mexican holiday – it’s a long story) – we hung out, drank, took pictures and went home at a reasonable hour. After getting home, I made myself a snack and started uploading the pictures to Facebook…and then stopped.  I looked at all the pictures being uploaded and realized something: these pictures are identical to all my other ones. The people, location, facial expressions – all the same. Its the same week after week.

I love my little neck of the woods but there’s not much to do here and lately, the most fun I’ve had is when I’ve explored different areas of town. Atlanta has a bunch of little neighborhoods with tons of bars and restaurants and a good community feel.

I want that.

I’m tired of having the same backdrop for my photos and seeing the same regulars week after week. I’m ready for a change.

I just hope my roommate is on board.

No rest for my liver

The good news is that I think I’m finally sober.

The bad news is that it’s 11:30 in the morning and I’m at work.

How’s that for awesome?

Last night looked a little something like this:

Met up with Grabs at a bar by her house.
Hit on by redneck dude who thought he had a chance.
Ruthlessly threw Grabs under the bus.
Drank beer.
Made an escape after Grabs gave dude her number. 
Went to another bar that seemed to cater to older people on Thursday nights.
Hit on by old dudes.
Watched the Celtics lose. Boo.
Drank margarita.
Saw a man in a suit leave with a woman wearing a denim jumper. Yes, she was a hooker.
Left to go to more crowded bar club/restaurant next door.
Drank margarita.
Ran into the Big Italian. 
Stole some seats at the bar and realized the hooker was sitting next to us.
Overheard the dude she was with comment to his friend “Hey, I found you some friends for the night.” He was referring to us.
Turned down a Peruvian guy’s offer to dance.
Drank margarita.
Finally accepted guy’s offer.
Stepped on his feet.
A lot.
Was spun.
A lot.
Realized flip flops are not good to dance in.
Drank margarita.
Went back to check on Grabs.
Peruvian dude brought friend over. He was from Belgium and looked like he survived on chocolate and beer.
Drank some drink the guys brought us.
Was probably roofied.
Realized I was more drunk than I thought.
Went to Waffle House with slowest cook ever.
Took drunk pictures of salt shaker and condiments.
Laughed about how funny the words ’special’ and ‘patty’ looked.
Got home at 3:00.
Woke up at 7:00.

Slice and Dice

My car is a piece of crap. Granted, I love it dearly and will cry profusely when it goes to the big parking lot in the sky, but it does little more than get me from A to B (most of the time). One of it’s current issues is a leak in the A/C line. I’ve had the issue for several years now and the typical home remedy is to add a leak sealer and recharge it. This particular time, I added the refrigerant and then the sealer as indicated on the instructions, but apparently didn’t seal the nozzle completely when I added the sealer. 

The stuff sprayed all over my engine, the ground below and my hands as I was trying to plug the hole. I got the situation under control and was finishing up when I heard a voice behind me.

“Oh my God! Are you ok?”

I turned to find my neighbor  standing behind me with a look of terror on her face.

“Oh yeah, I’m just recharging my A/C,” I replied and gave her a “I know you don’t know what I’m talking about” smile. She continued to stare for a second longer and then turned around and left.

I then realized the reason behind her look of terror; the engine, the ground and my hands were covered in the sealant which is dyed bright red to help locate leaks…

And looks a helluva lot like blood.