Moments in douchery.

Think you got some douchebag stories? Well, let me tell you about the TWO douchebag incidents that happened within 24 hours of each other.

I started seeing a new guy this past week. He was someone I previously knew, but when I first met him he was dating someone else. We went on two fun dates last week and were supposed to hang out on Saturday if he was in town. That morning I woke up and checked Facebook, and to my surprise, his relationship status had been changed. It now showed he was in a relationship with this girl he’s friends with. It had been less than 24 hours since our last date.

Then, that night….

Serial and I went out drinking in my soon-to-be new neighborhood and our way home decided to visit Cheers, even though Serial was banned from going there. Cause see what had happened was…

Serial was dating one of the regulars at the bar, let’s call him Douchy McKickball, and they broke up about a week and a half ago.  She accepted that she would not be allowed back to Cheers for a while, but they were having a Beach Blast party all day and we figured the guy was probably passed out by now. Well, we were wrong and basically all hell broke loose. The guy acted like I was responsible for the breakup and at one point came up to me and said, “Well, you got your way. I hope you’re happy.”  Meanwhile, Douchy’s best friend, Manwhore -my friend and occasional hook-up buddy (Remember Stairgate?)-was trying to calm everyone down and keep the peace. That is until the end of the night when he came up to me and told me we couldn’t be friends anymore. He was given a choice by Douchy and basically chose to end our friendship. How 7th grade is that?

I figured things would blow over in a few weeks until I checked Facebook and saw that Manwhore defriended me. Not only that, but Serial, who had been text fighting with Douchy, informed me that Manwhore was forwarding my texts to Douchy.  Nice. I took that as a cue to remove every trace of him from my life. Pictures-deleted. Phone number-erased. Good bye and good riddance.

Two douchebag events in one weekend. I think I’ve reached my quota for the month. No more please!

Operation Don’t Be A Slut

Serial: FORT KNOX
let that be your motto
he is hot
don’t risk it!
Me: i know
Serial: dont be out too late
thats when fort knox is harder to maintain
Me: well, alcohol makes fort knox vulnerable
and sometimes penetrable
heh
Serial: yes
but you must make sure the security is in tact
Me: we mustn’t let fort knox be penetrated
Serial: you do not want a break in
Me: He may come with a ramrod thus weakening my defense.
Serial: ZOMG
hilarious
maintain fort knox

In my defense, I don’t typically put out on the first few dates.

I just get drunk and fuck my guy friends.

How Not to Get A Date with Me (in 10 easy steps)

Step 1: Invite me and my friends out to trivia and proceed to speak at a volume that can only be heard by bats.
Step 2: When I try to be nice and invite you out with my friends, make it awkward by leaving an empty chair between me and you.
Step 3: Use email facebook messaging as your primary form of communication with me.
Step 4: Be oblivious to the fact that my friend and I are absolutely bored off our ass when we are playing trivia with you.  
Step 5: Ask me out via text message. Not only that, but ask if it would be presumptuous to ask me if I’d like to go out. And make sure it’s your birthday so I feel bad if I reject you.
Step 6: Assume my lack of response means I didn’t get the message and call me later that night. From your birthday party. Where you are probably drunk.
Step 7: Write a Facebook status update that says: “If you’re too busy texting on your iphone to talk to me around your entourage, then why don’t you go find someone more interesting to play your games with.” Make me wonder if it’s about me or if you’ve successfully bored another person to death.
Step 8: Ask me out again via text message to go get lunch at my favorite wing place even though we haven’t spoken/texted since the previous text. (I guess the status update wasn’t meant for me?)
Step 9: Ignore the lack of response from the text message and comment on my Facebook status.
Step 10: Smoke so much weed that every sentence starts with ’sooooo’ or ‘ummmm’ and have albums on Facebook dedicated to your cats or graffiti you’ve photographed.