Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful young girl who loved to blog. She blogged from day to night and night to day without fail. Then one day she lost her job through no fault of her own and didn’t feel like blogging much. She got another job and started blogging again, but then lost that job through no fault of her own again, and the desire to blog went away. She had no computer at home, thus making it hard to update her readers on her status.

Then one day, she got a wonderful job and was happy again, but still didn’t feel like blogging. Every now and then, she’d regale her readers with stories of debauchery and hilarity, but the blogging spark had not returned. Then she moved into a really great house in a great part of town and vowed to blog more once she got unpacked*.

And everyone in the kingdom lived happily ever after.

The End.

 

* Of course, she didn’t mention how long it would take to get unpacked. This is the current state of things.

Moments in douchery.

Think you got some douchebag stories? Well, let me tell you about the TWO douchebag incidents that happened within 24 hours of each other.

I started seeing a new guy this past week. He was someone I previously knew, but when I first met him he was dating someone else. We went on two fun dates last week and were supposed to hang out on Saturday if he was in town. That morning I woke up and checked Facebook, and to my surprise, his relationship status had been changed. It now showed he was in a relationship with this girl he’s friends with. It had been less than 24 hours since our last date.

Then, that night….

Serial and I went out drinking in my soon-to-be new neighborhood and our way home decided to visit Cheers, even though Serial was banned from going there. Cause see what had happened was…

Serial was dating one of the regulars at the bar, let’s call him Douchy McKickball, and they broke up about a week and a half ago.  She accepted that she would not be allowed back to Cheers for a while, but they were having a Beach Blast party all day and we figured the guy was probably passed out by now. Well, we were wrong and basically all hell broke loose. The guy acted like I was responsible for the breakup and at one point came up to me and said, “Well, you got your way. I hope you’re happy.”  Meanwhile, Douchy’s best friend, Manwhore -my friend and occasional hook-up buddy (Remember Stairgate?)-was trying to calm everyone down and keep the peace. That is until the end of the night when he came up to me and told me we couldn’t be friends anymore. He was given a choice by Douchy and basically chose to end our friendship. How 7th grade is that?

I figured things would blow over in a few weeks until I checked Facebook and saw that Manwhore defriended me. Not only that, but Serial, who had been text fighting with Douchy, informed me that Manwhore was forwarding my texts to Douchy.  Nice. I took that as a cue to remove every trace of him from my life. Pictures-deleted. Phone number-erased. Good bye and good riddance.

Two douchebag events in one weekend. I think I’ve reached my quota for the month. No more please!

Operation Don’t Be A Slut

Serial: FORT KNOX
let that be your motto
he is hot
don’t risk it!
Me: i know
Serial: dont be out too late
thats when fort knox is harder to maintain
Me: well, alcohol makes fort knox vulnerable
and sometimes penetrable
heh
Serial: yes
but you must make sure the security is in tact
Me: we mustn’t let fort knox be penetrated
Serial: you do not want a break in
Me: He may come with a ramrod thus weakening my defense.
Serial: ZOMG
hilarious
maintain fort knox

In my defense, I don’t typically put out on the first few dates.

I just get drunk and fuck my guy friends.

How Not to Get A Date with Me (in 10 easy steps)

Step 1: Invite me and my friends out to trivia and proceed to speak at a volume that can only be heard by bats.
Step 2: When I try to be nice and invite you out with my friends, make it awkward by leaving an empty chair between me and you.
Step 3: Use email facebook messaging as your primary form of communication with me.
Step 4: Be oblivious to the fact that my friend and I are absolutely bored off our ass when we are playing trivia with you.  
Step 5: Ask me out via text message. Not only that, but ask if it would be presumptuous to ask me if I’d like to go out. And make sure it’s your birthday so I feel bad if I reject you.
Step 6: Assume my lack of response means I didn’t get the message and call me later that night. From your birthday party. Where you are probably drunk.
Step 7: Write a Facebook status update that says: “If you’re too busy texting on your iphone to talk to me around your entourage, then why don’t you go find someone more interesting to play your games with.” Make me wonder if it’s about me or if you’ve successfully bored another person to death.
Step 8: Ask me out again via text message to go get lunch at my favorite wing place even though we haven’t spoken/texted since the previous text. (I guess the status update wasn’t meant for me?)
Step 9: Ignore the lack of response from the text message and comment on my Facebook status.
Step 10: Smoke so much weed that every sentence starts with ’sooooo’ or ‘ummmm’ and have albums on Facebook dedicated to your cats or graffiti you’ve photographed.

Quarterly Update

(a woman in a tasteful suit comes out on stage and addresses the audience)

Good Morning Ladies and Gentlemen,

We’re glad you could make it to the A Blondie Moment quarterly update; it’s great to see everyone here so bright and early. Did everyone get some coffee? We don’t want anyone falling asleep during the meeting. (chuckles quietly)

(dims lights, lowers projector)

Let’s go ahead and get started with the meeting. First, we’ll quickly run through the topics we will be discussing throughout the meeting today.

(advances powerpoint slide)

Ok, these are the topics. We have:

• New bars, new bartenders
• Make new friends but keep the old
• Moving Day
• Strippers, trivia and the correlation between the two

At this time, I’d like to turn the mic over to Blondie herself, so she can give us the information each of these topics. So, without further ado, here’s Blondie!

(the intro to Welcome to the Jungle starts playing as I come out on stage, looking FABulous if I do say so myself)

How’s everybody doing today? (crowd cheers) Alright! Well, I’m so glad everyone could take time out of their schedule to be here today, we’ve got a lot to cover. Jane’s already mentioned the topics we will be covering so let’s go ahead and get started.

First up, New bars, new bartenders.

Remember when I said I didn’t think I could ever find a bar I like as much as Cheers? (Don’t ask me to find a specific example, I know I’ve said it countless times in this blog.) Well, I fear the novelty has worn off.  Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE LOVE LOVE the staff and bartenders and wish I could take them with me, but every time I go, it’s the same people and the same situations over and over and over. And I’ve gotten very tired of all the fake friends I’ve made — the people who you’d never speak to if you stopped going to the bar. In all truthfulness, that is exactly what’s happened. And my eyes have been open to all these new bars, and in the past month, I’ve done something different every weekend. And it has been awesome. I love having variety in my life.

Ok, does anyone have any questions about this? No? Let’s move along then.

Next, Make new friends but keep the old.

The whole “variety” thing I’m working on has introduced me to a lot of new friends. Two Sundays ago, I joined some people for beer and met some fine folks; last weekend, I went to the Braves game with some friends from church and made at least 4 new friends. Later that night, I met some more people and ended up watching a movie at the girl’s place at 1 am! I also reconnected with a friend from middle school and played trivia with him and another guy I grew up with last night. And on Friday I’m going to a meet and greet for the roller derby, so I’m bound to meet some new people. At the same time, I’m strengthening some of my existing friendships.  Jools has been my “gal on the town” because she lives where I’m moving to, so she’s acclimating me to the area. Hanging out with her is fun because she’s always up for something new, plus she’s from South Africa and is slightly crazy. I’ve been hanging out with Grabs a lot too because she’s always willing to go out on a weeknight (one of the few perks of her not being employed), and is game for going anywhere. And believe it or not, I’ve been hanging out with the church crowd more. I’m not quite ready to return to church but I’m getting there.

So that’s that. Does anyone need to take a bathroom break? How bout we take a quick 5 minute break.

(5 minutes later)

Ok, whew, that’s a lot of information we’ve gone over. Are you guys falling asleep? Maybe we should get some loud music pumping and everyone can get up and dance.

Alright, on to item 3. Moving Day.

I am moving! On August 1st! To places unknown! Roomie and I have decided to part ways, and at first I was worried about finding a roommate I got along with (I haven’t had much luck with roommates), but now I’m actually excited about living with someone or someones new. I’ve narrowed my search to Grant Park, Reynoldstown, Ormewood Park, Little 5 Points, Inman Park and East Atlanta. The entire section over there is really up and coming and there are cute downtown areas in each neighborhood with yummy restaurants and fun bars. I’m super excited. Plus, the rent is cheaper in those areas. And I may have found roommate(s). Nothing is final yet so I don’t want to get too excited.

Ok, that was short, sweet and to the point!

Our final topic is Strippers, trivia and the correlation between the two.

I lied. There’s no correlation between the two. I just wanted to tell you about two of the hilarious outings I’ve gone to. A few weeks back, I went to the Exotic Dancer Championships at one of the strip clubs — it was riotious! One of the finalists did a puppet show between her legs and then got into a bathtub and started spraying water everywhere. Another girl sucked donkey balls* and I don’t even know how she made it into the top 3. All she did was try to get the crowd to cheer for her. I could have done a better job than her! Then, last night, I played Simpsons trivia at Mellow Mushroom. We did pretty stellar until round three and then the questions got harder. The answer to one of the questions was buffalo testicles and I was the only person to answer correctly. Needless to say, I will not be living that down for a while. Hey, I guess the two subjects do correlate! Balls!

Ok, that about wraps up everything.

 

*She didn’t actually suck donkey balls. That wasn’t her talent or anything. She in fact, didn’t have a talent and that’s why she sucked.

To you, my friend.

My friend Katie (I’m using real names here! Scandalous!) from Eight Thirty Eyes has started doing top ten lists and I suggested she write a list about how awesome I am. After telling her this, I realized how demanding I can be at times all the fucking time, and since I’m trying to accept that the world does not revolve around me (a harsh reality to face), I thought I’d write the top ten reasons why she’s awesome.

In no particular order:

1. She takes me on trips that her stations pay for. Like to Vegas. And sporting events. And concerts.
2. She’s always up for going out and getting crazy but still follows her moral compass back to safety. Which is something I seem to have misplaced.
3. She knows the importance of being on time. More importantly, she knows the importance of being on time when hanging out with me.
4. My occasional smoking needs are met when I’m around her. Cigarettes, people!
5. She knows what shows are going to be cancelled before anyone else.
6. She is the most organized person I’ve EVER met.
7. She’s one of the few (few may not be the right word, but she is the most vocal) people at church who is wanting me to return.
8. When we go places, she always offers to pick me up.
9. We like the same kind of wine and beer.
10. She thinks I’m awesome. And anyone who thinks I’m awesome, is A-OK in my book.

I totally can’t wait to see what she says about me

Beer good.

Jools (to bartender): I’d like a Jack and Diet please.
Me: Hey! What are you doing ordering my favorite drink? (naturally, no one else on the planet is allowed to drink my drink)
Bartender Dan: Do you want one as well?
Me: Um no. I’m sort of banned from Jack Daniels.
Bartender Dan: Really? Why? Do you do stupid stuff when you drink it?
Me: You could say that…
Jools: IT MAKES HER RANDY!

(a few minutes later)

Bartender Dan (to the guy sitting next to me): I think you should buy her a shot of Jack Daniels.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jools (who is from South Africa): Hey, what does douchebag mean exactly? Doesn’t it mean dork or something?
Me: No! It means something worse than asshole!
Jools: Oh shit! I just called the manager a douchebag!

Last night, Jools and I went to the Exotic Dancer National Championship. Highlights included:

• A woman putting on a puppet show between her legs. It was set to the song, ‘The Devil Went Down to Georgia’ and the puppet was the devil who played the ‘fiddle’.
• A fire breather who couldn’t even get the torches lit. Even after 5 tries.
• A chick sliding around on the wet floor. It was actually pretty entertaining.

It was pretty entertaining and made me miss my pole dancing classes. Afterward, we went out in East Atlanta Village, which will be the home of my new watering hole when I move. We had so much fun and made friends with bartenders, managers and even a cop. At one bar, most of our drinks were comped which was quite refreshing since a certain establishment doesn’t seem to care about their patrons very much.

When the night was over, we stopped at Krystals and devoured several mini cheeseburgers and chili cheese fries.

Today I woke up and realized I only spent $15 the entire night (including Krystals). I also woke up with another bottle of hot sauce in my purse.

That, my friend, is a whole other story.

Blondie BackstabHer

I always find ways to make my parents and friends proud, and my latest endeavor is sure to have my loved ones beaming with pride. While not as controversial as my previous endeavor,  it is bound to raise some eyebrows among those with moral compasses. Or something. Or not.

ROLLER DERBY!

I originally toyed with the idea of trying out for it back in the fall but thought you needed skating experience and, obviously, I have none. On Tuesday night, however, I went to a friend’s house to watch a movie and some of her friends who were there are actually Atlanta Rollergirls. They informed me that you didn’t need experience because everything will be taught to you. And of course I got totally giddy. Have you seen the outfits they wear? We know how I feel about dressing up. Mainly, I just like the striped socks. I’m not kidding either.

Naturally, the first thing I thought about was what my name should be. I had previously thought of a name, Hellen Wheels, but apparently there are rules regarding names and another girl in Tuscon has the name Helen Wheels, and I’d have to get permission, blah blah blah. Too much work if you ask me. So I went on teh interwebs to find a roller derby name generator and typed in my real name. Out popped Blondie BackstabHer. No really. Thinking it was a coincidence, I tried again using my first name only. Blondie Affliction. My first name actually generates the name Blondie. WEIRD. Its like it was meant to be!

Of course I’ll have to pass the try out before I can really start thinking of a name. Luckily for me, they aren’t until September, so I’ll have plenty of time to strap on some skates and get my butt in shape.

In completely random news, has anyone visited the site www.modcloth.com? It’s my new favorite place. I heart.

Your car smells like box.

Did you know you can buy boxes on Craigslist? Fundraiser knew that and purchased 40 packing boxes of various sizes and three spools of bubble wrap to use for her upcoming move.  And then left them in her car. And was completely oblivious to the fact that they smelled HORRIBLE. And made me ride around in her car with the skanky box smell.

What does that have to do with this post? Nothing. I just promised her I’d title a blog entry in honor of it.

So what’s new kiddos?

Let’s start with me. I’m starting my search for a new place to live (and a new roommate). There are three areas of Atlanta that I love, Decatur, Little 5 Points and East Atlanta, and all have a pretty eclectic/alternative vibe with awesome bars. It’s where all the people with tattoos live. And we all know that a guy can be as dumb as shit but I’d still want to fuck his brains out if he has a decent amount of artwork. That’s a fact. The rent is cheap in these areas too. The downside is that my commute to work will suck and there’s a little more crime, but hell, my car was broken into inside my gated apartment complex in one of the most pretentious neighborhoods in Atlanta. I’ll buy a bat.  And a gun.

What else?

No really. What else do I have to talk about?

Shit. Well, this post went downhill really fast. I guess I got nothing.

Rut.

Sigh.

I’m bored.

I rallied the troops last night and went to Cheers for Cinco de Mayo (don’t ask why I went to an Irish bar on a Mexican holiday – it’s a long story) – we hung out, drank, took pictures and went home at a reasonable hour. After getting home, I made myself a snack and started uploading the pictures to Facebook…and then stopped.  I looked at all the pictures being uploaded and realized something: these pictures are identical to all my other ones. The people, location, facial expressions – all the same. Its the same week after week.

I love my little neck of the woods but there’s not much to do here and lately, the most fun I’ve had is when I’ve explored different areas of town. Atlanta has a bunch of little neighborhoods with tons of bars and restaurants and a good community feel.

I want that.

I’m tired of having the same backdrop for my photos and seeing the same regulars week after week. I’m ready for a change.

I just hope my roommate is on board.