Snakes Alive!

(false eyelashes and everything!)

Ahh. Halloween. One of my favorite holidays. The one time of the year I can dress up and look ridiculous or slutty and not be called out on it.

My second package of costumes arrived at the apartment on Friday afternoon and so immediately rushed to try them on. The cowgirl costume fit fine but didn’t come with a hat like it was supposed to, the cherry girl costume (which I later renamed the Candyland Girl costume because it reminded me of Candyland) fit great but didn’t come with a petticoat, and the jailbait costume would have fit perfectly if I was a C or D cup. After trying them on for Roomie to inspect (who agreed the Candyland Girl costume looked cutest), I rushed to Party City to buy a petticoat. Serial was supposed to wear my jailbait costume but since she’s not a C or D cup either, it didn’t fit her; she wore my Sherlock Holmes costume instead.

We headed over to T’s house where Mayhoo and Roomie were pre-drinking, had a few pints and then made our way over to Cheers. We could have gone to Buckhead for a skankalicious good time, but Serial and I both have become such homebodies when it comes to bars and drinking. After getting lei-d by the bartenders and bouncer when we walked in, we did some laps to see if we could find anyone we knew. It’s a very weird feeling going to your favorite bar and seeing only strangers, but we eventually found one of the other regulars and secured a table for us and his friends.

I was sitting at the table scoping out the scene when I saw a guy with something peculiar around his neck–a snake!! For the record, I love snakes, especially Ball Pythons (which this snake was). I had several friends in college with snakes and one even worked at the reptile center and let me see all the snakes after hours.

So there in the middle of a crowded bar with people gawking at me (mostly girls thinking I was crazy), I got to hold the snake. And I used the classic “I don’t normally ask guys this, but can I hold your snake?” line.

It was fabulous and made me want a snake so bad, except for the whole live rat eating thing. Yuck. Can I get a vegetarian snake?

I also ran into Afroman; it’s the longest running flirtship I’ve had. Every time we see each other, we end up flirting the whole night but nothing happens. Maybe he’s still pissed I never called him back after our first encounter 10 months ago. His afro has been replaced with dreadlocks but he still looked really hot. I just have to keep telling myself that he’s a 21 year old pothead carpenter who has short term memory loss (he kept forgetting to get the drinks he promised Serial and me) and dislikes the letter G. It would never work out.

We ended up leaving later than planned and although neither of us was too terribly drunk, we stopped at Kroger for some munchies. I got pizza and Pringles and devoured both that night.

I got a text from Serial the next morning saying she woke up in her bathtub.

I love this holiday.

Match Awards Honorable Mentions

I had so much fun with my Match Awards that I had to go find more great guys online. Here are some honorable mentions.

Name: MakersMarkus

About Me: I’m a musician and I drink and smoke cigarettes and I like books and I fly a lot and I’m looking for someone to do something with in Atlanta cause I just moved here and don’t know anyone.

That’s his entire profile…

Next up:

Name: TAREQUE3000

Headline: IF YOUR NOT WITH THE GAMES HOLLA AT ME

About Me: IM HERE HOPING TO MEET THE PERFECT GIRL AND I HOPE THAT SHE WILL BE LOOKING FOR THE SAME THING …I USE TO LIVE IN WARNER ROBINS GEORGIA FOR LIKE 5 YEARS …I JUST MOVED TO ATLANTA GA 2 MONTHS AGO AND I THINK IT’S TIME FOR ME TO SETTLE DOWN ..SO IF YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE READY FOR THAT THEN IM YOUR MAN BUT IF YOU ARE STILL WITH THOSE LIL GIRL GAMES THEN I THINK YOU NEED TO CHECK OUT ONE OF THE OTHER PROFILES…I DON’T MIND SPENDING TIME WITH MY GIRL ,I LIKE TO GO OUT ,AND I ENJOY MY WOMEN IF UYOU CATCH MY DRIFT…

my education: I FINISH HIGH SCHOOL

favorite hot spots: ANYWERE U LIKE

last read: I DON’T NO

Moving on. This next guy keeps popping up in my updates, and there’s probably nothing wrong with him except that his user name is Selective_Guy and his About me is pretty much a PSA directed towards women on Match.com.

Can you believe one of my best friends met his wife on match? Well, I guess it can’t hurt to check it out…ha;) Here’s what I’ve learned so far about match which I think you might find interesting from a guy’s perspective regardless if we decide to date or just hang out as friends:

1)Profile information is not always true, but anything you say can and will be used against you;) I can meet a girl while I’m out, but may not know that she has a pet snake, two kids, and lives with her parents. Advantage: match

2)Profile pictures are not always recent. If you don’t look like your picture, update it. Otherwise, its false advertising. Appearance is not everything, but its the first thing a guy sees and a factor in deciding if I want to meet you. If your pics are 4 years old and you’ve gained 20lbs, its time for a new photo. Also, you should be confident enough to include at least one full body shot.

3)I’ve had some girls complain about not being able to meet a nice guy on match. If this is you, take a hard look at your profile. If you have slutty pics and “erotica” listed as a turn-on, don’t be surprised. Blood in the water attracts sharks:) After all, you can’t blame a dog for barking. ha!

So here’s where I’m at with this whole situation…I’m always seeking to meet new people who impact my life in healthy and positive ways. If it develops into something romantic, that’s great. If not, I’ll happily introduce you to all my single friends…provided that you’re not a shallow, bloodsucking, money grubbing, gold digger:) ha!

My friends tell me that I’m naturally charismatic, outgoing, and the life of the party, but I can tell you that I’m naturally introverted and still a nerdy chubby kid on the inside. I was a largely unpopular dork in high school and didn’t come out of my shell until after joining a fraternity in college. I prefer non-fiction over fiction and cooking at home over expensive dinners out. I enjoy having nice things, but I’m not materialistic…instead I look for good value and try to avoid depreciating assets. If it matters to you what kind of car I drive, then we’re not a good match. I constantly work to improve certain qualities in myself that are vital to healthy relationships with others and expect the same in return: generosity, patience, respect, loyalty, trust, honesty, forgiveness, empathy, positive attitude, tactful, responsible, dependable, affectionate…and perhaps most important in our generation is perseverance. If I’m out of line, you should be comfortable calling my attention to it.

I’m not perfect and do not expect perfection, but believe people should be aware of their weaknesses and show efforts at constructive change. We should be “real” people, genuine and authentic…finding that a growing healthy relationship helps each person become more sure of him/herself.

Wow. Is it necessary to divulge that much information in your profile? I don’t think so.

There you have it. Three more Match.com gems. I did find some really cute guys while I was searching; now I need to go back and find their profiles again!

Ticket to Hell? Check.

Occasionally, I have my überbitch moments and this is definitely gonna be one of them. The more I think about the incident two weeks ago, the more pissed off I get. I never said anything or did anything that would make the aquatic vertebrate think it was a date, other than letting him buying the meal. But I specifically said, “Let’s go someplace cheap because I have limited funds.” He offered to pay for everything because he said he wanted to eat someplace nice. And hell, if you’re gonna offer to pay for everything, I’m not gonna hold back. Maybe, in retrospect, he thought that entitled him to some smooching. Guys take note: Nothing entitles you to smooching. That has to be earned. And don’t attempt anything when we are slurring our words.

I’ve ignored his calls and voicemails because I’m extremely creeped out. And feel like he crossed the line.

Maybe it’s just me thinking everyone has as much common sense as me, but if a person was ignoring you, wouldn’t you think you’ve done something wrong? And in this particular case, wouldn’t you think maybe you crossed some line and should possibly apologize for your actions?

I got accused of being extremely rude.

“What’s going on with you?  I haven’t heard back from you since last week, and left you two messages.  Are you ever going to call me back? 

I took you out for a thoughful evening and spent a lot of money in an attempt to have a fun time while you were hurting for cash.  If you plan on ignoring me, then I think you are extremely rude.    Good luck with that.”

Good luck with that?

Thanks, I have been working on my rudeness.

A thoughtful evening? 

I called him to ask him to look at my computer. Which he never did. He mentioned grabbing a drink afterwards, but suddenly that morphed into dinner.

For some reason, I feel like he’s gonna continue to bug me. Which is fine. I have amazing abilities to ignore people for extended periods of time.

Whatever.

I’ve learned something from this. I can’t have guy friends. Unless they are exes.

The Match Awards

Every now and then I reactivate my Match profile (I never subcribe though), just to see if anyone catches my eye. I get a lot of winks and emails and some of the profiles just crack me up. I’ve created the Match Awards to highlight some of the more spectacular ones.

The ‘Best Use of the English Language’ Award goes to luckyim777:

Match Headline: ooo ya baby

About me: OK lats start fimail or (women , girl , lade) that creches i need , it is necessary for main life .Watt i looking from hear it is sample You need to be strong (vary strong) too hold all problems in house , to be able clean and do laundry in house , clean dust take garbage out , walk main dog , take care of main parents , goo to shopping and bee able to do two job , so i can have time too watch sock er ,formula 1 and tanis … LOL I hope there is woman to complete all this …i hope that i broth smile to your face , if i say something wrong please keep looking forward thx… It is all joke i kane do it bat i will help you .I m good… sry for broken English.. never deed something like this bat lats dance … i have a great deal of vitality. I’m curios, imaginative and resilient. And i find pleasure in doing and thinking about all sorts all things and ideas, often at the same time.

How is that guy single? He sounds dreamy. Moving on.

The ‘Best Use of Caps Lock’ Award goes to KWJORDAN629:

Match Headline: JUST A GOOD GUY LOOKING FOR THAT GOOD WOMAN!!!!!!

About Me: WELL I AM 25 YEARS OLD I AM DIVORCED AND HAVE A FOUR YEAR OLD LITTLE BOY RIGHT NOW HE IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO ME I HAVE VERY GOOD FAMILY VALUES I FEEL THAT FAMILY COMES FIRST NO MATTER WHAT I AM LOOKING FOR SOMEONE WITH GOOD FAMILY VALUES THAT WILL PUT THEIR FAMILY BEFORE ANYTHING ELSE. I AM NEW TO THIS SO I DONT REALLY KNOW WHAT TO SAY SO DROP ME AN EMAIL AND I WOULD BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO TELL YOU ANYTHING YOU WANT TO KNOW!!!

Why are you yelling at me??

The award for ‘That’s a Random Profile’ goes to infadelAviator:

Match.com Headline: nice kitty kitty

About Me: Ain’t no bugs on ME: partially domesticated 5′11 in socks, loyal to a fault, slightly aloof but friendly …Many talents- Not into sports unless I’m on the team, drugs, or a balanced diet- very into politics, fishing, flying , seafood. Love dogs and BIG fat azz lazy cats.

Not into TV other than COMCAST commercials “sowwy woger, you tiger now” and GIECO commercials with a few of the usual’s mixed in: deadliest catch, myth busters, weather channel, fox news…never miss a season of shark week..I don’t like liberals, but I would make an exception for a really cute one. Perhaps you could buy me dinner? God knows I’ve been buying yours for too long . I HATE palmetto bugs, and will go out of my way to kill one if I can.. did I mention back when I was in NAM (stationed in danang) I single handedly took out a whole platoon of nva regulars too

Ok boo, honestly I think its apparent nobody wishes to date a big turd, or beautiful head ache so I wont state the obvious . Have a good head on your shoulders & weigh less than I do.. that’s a start .

I just winked at him. Wouldn’t you?

Next, we have the winner of the ‘Best Profile Picture Ever’.

I cannot make this up. I promise.

Look for yourself, his profile name is mailordergroom.

Ok, that was fun. I might find more online later, but every time I log on I get 50 winks. Did I mention the Aquatic Vertabrate came up as one of my matches yesterday? Yeah. Awkward since I’m not returning his calls. He also left a ridiculously long message on my phone the other day about how I should just tell him if I’m not interested. Seriously, it took 30 seconds for him to finally get around to why he was calling. STOP SMOKING POT! I have no desire to call back. I feel like he took advantage of me. And I don’t want to talk to him.

Book Club Dance Party

Last night, I drank too much wine at book club (we all did), and had a dance party until 11:30 at Jules’ house, followed by a complete mental breakdown in the car on the way home.

Yay.

Jules is one of our BC members from South Africa and is a R-I-O-T. She is so blunt and honest and cracks everyone up with her stories. We were listening to cheesy music while discussing the book and got off topic and just started dancing. I’m sure her husband thought we were crazy. That was the good part of the evening.

The mental breakdown breakdown?

I miss the boy. I miss the stupid stuff about him. Like conversations about the AT&T rollover commercials. And this missing him just started last week. Out of the blue.

And has thrown me for a loop. On top of that, I’ve been dealing with several (yes, several) guy friends who decided they wanted to be more than friends in the past two weeks. It’s annoying and frustrating.

Yesterday, I saw a bumper sticker that said “Happiness is having twins”. I almost wrecked my car.

On purpose.

I want this cycle to stop. It terrifies me to think of it lasting for an extended period of time. And while everyone seems to be moving on, I’m stuck on the merry-go-round that has become my life (the merry-go-round does have a fully stocked bar, though). It’s affecting everything-friendships, my faith, family.

So last night, it came to a head.

We discuss everything at book club-family, relationships, boob size, dick size, alcohol, etc, and after drinking a gallon of wine, discussing how I don’t get along with my family, how I hate my boobs and how good sex with the boy was, I was a ticking time bomb.

And Roomie got the brunt of it. I bawled my way from Boulevard to Brookhaven and would have cried more if I didn’t walk into an apartment covered in trash from my bathroom (I love my dog).

But today I’m better; I needed that cry. Now I’m dealing with my wine hangover, complete with bloodshot eyes, and am being tortured by the smell of food coming from the trash can. The cleaning crew didn’t empty it last night so my desk smells like Steak ‘n Shake from yesterday. Which is exactly what I want to eat right now.

Thank God for the cafeteria in the basement.

But I dye grass…

I thought my digress/dye grass joke was hilarious last night. So much so, that I saved it in my phone so I wouldn’t forget it.

That was the highlight of my evening.

I’m currently recovering from kissers remorse and a nasty hangover.

So much kissers remorse that I don’t want to talk about. And it’s put me in a horrible mood. 

Instead of writing about it, I’ll let you read my texts with Serial.

Me: Fuck, I think I’m on a date. Fuck. Fuck.
Serial: What happened?
Me: Um. read blog.
Serial: But hadn’t you made out before?
Me: No! Never! So awkward. So drunk.
Serial: Oh. Good or bad?
Me: Bad
Serial: Bad as no longer in the friend zone and you like him or bad as in just bad?
Me: Bad as in “how did it come to this? I thought we were just friends and now my computer will never be fixed. And I’m way too drunk.” I kept trying to get away but he wouldn’t let me. Then he sent me a text telling me what a good kisser I was.
Serial: Haha! Where did you go?
Me: Highland Tap (which made me realize it was a date cause it was expensive), then the Local, then to Bucket Shop. He wanted to go to Cheers but I wouldn’t allow it. That’s our bar.
Serial: Hahaha! Good idea! Go on an official date.
Me: No official date. Do no want. Talked at length about his 200 gallon fish tank.
Serial: That’s always a turn on. Maybe he could meet Mr. Oh.
Me: Ooooohhhh! I must give off an ‘I’m into you’ vibe. Oh. He put xoxoxo in his text message.

 Anyways, I don’t really remember how he cornered me because it was in the car. I kept trying to pull away and he kept saying, “You’re not getting away”. I literally ran to my apartment when I got out of the car.

There were some hot guys at the Local, though.

Please excuse the last post…

It was 3am and I was shitfaced. I’ll give a better update in a bit, when my computer starts working and I recover from this hangover.

Pass the Kool-aid

I don’t normally complain about being single, but this has been one hell of a week emotionally, and seeing this headline almost made me lose it.

“World’s Fattest Man to Wed”

That’s just great. Good for him.

He is unable to leave his bed and still manages to meet someone.

 

 

I’ll be under my desk if you need me. With a straight razor.

Times like this make me want to do hardcore drugs

(Ahh, the white lady)

On Friday, a group from work is going to happy hour. We were originally planning on going to Front Page News in L5P but people felt it was too far of a drive from our office. So they picked a more central location. Cheers.

No, not New Cheers where SerialDater and I get into trouble each week; the original Cheers. The place SerialDater and I used to get into trouble at before I started dating the bartender.

Now remember, we broke up on good terms. He had some family and financial issues come up and had no time to see me. And I know that we didn’t date for that long. And I should be over him. But part of me isn’t. He was the first guy in a really long time that I cared (possibly loved?) about. And he treated me better than anyone else I’d ever been with before, including the guy I was once engaged to (sorry Bri). And part of me is scared that no guy will ever treat me that way again.

But I’m determined to be strong. I’m not gonna let my emotions prevent me from going out and having a good time. Except that I will need to drink beforehand. Or smoke some crack, because I know that my legs will turn into jello as soon as I walk in the door.

Maybe I’ll just down a bottle of Jack. Yeah, that sounds smart. I’ll be THAT girl. The one who has to be carried out.

Match.com: An Experiment

After a particularly crappy day yesterday, I did something totally unlike me…I put my profile back on match.com. I had it briefly on there last year but cancelled my account when the one guy I was interested in suddenly stopped talking to me. So, with the help of SerialDater, we created a new and improved profile for me. After a few glasses of wine last night, we went through some profiles of the eligible bachelors. I have to say that guys need help with their profiles. Here are some recommendations:

Profile photo: If you have made the effort to do online dating, why can’t you spend a little time on your profile photo? First impressions are very important and if your main picture is of you on a couch, I’m not gonna be very impressed. Make it look like you didn’t just take the picture for your profile. Take off your hat, put on a decent shirt and SMILE. It wouldn’t hurt to use a nice camera so your picture isn’t grainy.

Headline: The phrase “I’m tall so you can wear your heels” should not be allowed on Match. I have seen multiple guys with this headline. Also, don’t make your headline sound like you are God’s gift to women. Obviously, if you are on Match, you’re not.  Conversely, don’t make it sound like you are really desperate. “Sweet guy looking for love” is not gonna get my attention. Show your fun side. Tell a joke or something. PS. My headline is “Let’s have fun.”

The profile: Think of yourself as a job applicant and your profile is your resume. Spelling and grammar errors are a quick way to get yourself passed over. Have a friend read your profile to make sure you didn’t miss anything. Try to sound appealing and don’t just use Match’s guidelines. Think outside the box. The internet is a great place to find creative ways to say what you’re looking to say.

So there you have it. The rest is up to you.

Here’s a little present for you: “Spent The Lather Part Of My Teenage Years In California”.  Where did he spend the rinse part?